六子磐華（Peter）

Dear Dad,

What an awesome privilege it has been to be one of your sons!! You have always provided for all of our needs and we lacked nothing. I remember fondly how you always treated us to dining in a restaurant upon your return from traveling overseas. Unfortunately, I didn’t know enough to ask you about your trips and how God had used you around the world —— my loss. I do recall that one time when we were at the airport waiting for your flight, I asked you how many countries you had visited. It took you a while, but you eventually listed over thirty. I was amazed.

Growing up in the church, we were surrounded by people who loved our family. But more importantly, I sensed the people’s respect for you and it spoke volumes to me that you were doing something worthwhile, good and right. My young mind told me that I wanted to be just like you. God eventually used this to guide me into ministry. You never pushed me in this direction, but thank you for preparing the way for me by your exemplary life.

One of the downside of being a son of a famous person like you was people’s expectations. They saw us and wondered if we were like you in ways other than physical stature. By God’s grace, I never felt the pressure to be exactly like you. In fact, for a long time, I felt I did not inherit any of your talents. But perhaps I was looking at it in all the wrong ways. Your abilities were not a result of your natural talents, but your spiritual gifts, hard work and perseverance in the Lord. Many people, indeed, admire your fame, but they don’t have your humility, a pure desire for God.

Dad, when brother Timothy passed away, you & Mom were on a preaching tour in Taiwan. You decided not to break your prior engagement and so did not return for his funeral. I can only imagine what a tough choice that was. I’m afraid it was not a decision that everyone can appreciate; they might think that you don’t care about your family, but I know better. How hard it must have been to forfeit saying one last goodbye to your son, pushing your emotions aside as you ascended the pulpit day after day to proclaim God’s Word.

A couple of months before Mom succumbed to cancer, you were about to keep your promise to preach abroad. You were headed for the airport when brother John pleaded with you to stay home by her side; you reluctantly stayed and apologized to those churches. I’m sure they understood, Dad.

In my entire life, I only saw you cry once; it was during Mom’s funeral. Seeing you cry broke our hearts. You wanted to be strong for your family, but God has made us with emotions. Following Mom’s death, you had a hard time sleeping at night. We got you melatonin, which you tried and gave up because it gave you bad dreams. It sure was tough to let Mom go. I hope that the arrival of your first grandson had been of some comfort during that period of adjustment.

I’m sorry that we lived on opposite sides of the globe for the last 16 years. Your grandkids would love to have grown up with you, learning for themselves what a great grandfather they had.

Thank you, Dad, for your faithful prayers for me throughout my life. I have gone through some really tough times in recent years but I had the confidence that you were praying for me, even as you prayed for all your sons. Now that you are free from the perspectives of this

temporary life, are you still able to pray for us? I suppose I will never know as long as I’m on this side of eternity. Isn’t it wonderful, though, that we serve such an awesome & gracious God? His grace will be sufficient for me even as it has been for you!

See you very soon, Dad!!

親愛的爸爸：

能夠作為您兒子， 是我人生極大的福氣！！！

您無微不至地供應了我們所有的需用。我記得您每次從外地講道回來，都帶我們到西餐廳食大餐。很可惜！我都不懂得去問您旅途如何？以及神怎樣使用了您？這是我的損失。我記得有一次送您去機場，候機時我問您去過多少個國家？您算了一會，列出了三十多個國家來，我真的感到很驚訝！

在教會長大，我們時常得到人們的愛戴。但更重要的，是我感受到人們對您的尊敬，此事幫助我明白到，您所做的一切，是何等有價值！是美好的！是對的！年少的我就開始想要學像您一樣。神也藉著這早期的深刻印象，領我走上奉獻的路。您雖然沒有強迫我全職事奉，但我感謝您活出一個模範的人生，預備了我的心!

當一個享有盛名的兒子，真的不容易，其中一樣就是人們對我們的期望。也許他們好奇我們跟您相仿之處。感謝神！我從來未曾讓自己感受到，要跟您有一樣成就的壓力。事實上，我一直覺得自己沒有繼承您的天份。但恐怕我的看法完全錯了！您的才幹並不是生下來就有的，您的屬靈恩賜除了是神賦予之外，也是您在主裡的勞力及恆心的結果。無可否認，很多人羨慕您擁有的聲譽，但他們缺乏您的謙卑，定意追求神的心。

爸爸，當三哥礎華去世的時候，您和媽媽正在台灣幾間教會講道。您決定按照原定的安排講道，而不回來參加他的安息禮拜。這不是人人都會認同的一個決定。他們可能誤會以為您不理會您的家人，但我明白您的心。可想而知這是一個多麼困難的抉擇。要放棄最後機會對自己的兒子道別，是多麼困難的事！再加上每天晚上，要把自己哀慟的感受暫時擱置一旁，繼續上台傳講神的話語。

此外，在媽媽去世的前幾個月，您早已答應了前往遠處講道。您已預備好要去飛機場，但五哥崙華哀求您留在媽媽身邊。您掙扎之後決定留下，跟教會道歉。爸爸，他們必定明白你當時的境況！

在我一生中，只看見您哭過一次，就是在媽媽的葬禮上，見到您哭實在難受。您的確是很堅強，但神也賜我們感性。媽媽離去之後，您有一段時間不能睡覺。您嘗試服用退黑激素，但這藥導致您發惡夢，最後就放棄了。適應媽媽的離去真的不容易。只盼望第一個孫子的來臨，帶給您一點安慰！

很可惜您在香港度過了最後的十六年。我很自私地說：我的子女錯過了在您的影響之下長大，不能親自認識到一個多麼偉大的祖父！

爸爸，很感謝您為我禱告。近年來我經歷了一些難受的日子，但我深信您一直不斷地為我向神禱求，正如您為您每一個孩子禱告一樣。您現在已經不被這暫時有限的看法限制了，您還能為我們禱告嗎？活在永恆的這一面，恐怕我是不可能明白的了。但我們所事奉的神是偉大而滿有恩惠的。正如祂的恩典足夠您用，也一定夠我用的！

爸爸，很快再見！！

原載於《恩典懷清輝：滕近輝牧師紀念特刊》，頁34-36。